It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
