he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
two words...techno handjob
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
