nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
