i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
