Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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