so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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