is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
