my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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