And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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