you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
