I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Found your dick twin last night
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
