i don't like sucking hair
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
