On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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