final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
