there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
