I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
