I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
