Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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