my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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