He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
