If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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