Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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