My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Let's get the cat blown out
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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