i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
