plz talk dirty to me
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
