I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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