Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
