I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
