do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
