I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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