4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
