Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
