I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
