After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
