.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
