i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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