On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We need to get me chipped asap
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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