So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dignity is for republicans.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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