This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
