Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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