If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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