I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
