yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
