We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
