just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
