one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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