The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
