I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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