so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
