I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
