woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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